Lillian Loud and the Keys of Cook
by Metool Bard
Summary: The intrepid explorer Lillian Loud ventures forth to obtain the coveted Keys of Cook.


The Keys of Cook. It is said that for untold generations, this sacred treasure has been safeguarded by the kings and queens of old. Only when the sun sets do they grant this treasure to their subjects, bestowing upon them such happiness. But all other times, they are locked away. Only the bravest of heroes would dare break their command and take the keys before sunset.

Lillian Loud is one such hero.

Her adventure started like most of them do: locked away in a prison. The reason why is not important. True, the cell is comfy and cozy, but she had a mission. She had to obtain the Keys of Cook and satisfy her need for happiness.

The warden Lenora walked in. She was a tall woman wearing a seafoam green uniform and a pair of sunglasses. She smiled at our captive hero.

"Hello, sleepyhead~," she cooed. "It's time to get up."

Lillian Loud decided to play along with Lenora for the time being. After all, Lenora wasn't a bad person at all; she just followed the orders of those who guard the Keys of Cook. Perhaps once she got them, she'd share with Lenora. She deserved it for all the hard work she did.

Lenora took Lillian Loud out of her prison and got her dressed. She didn't know why the warden would give her tools back to her, but then again, Lenora wasn't all that smart. Lillian Loud thanked Lenora for her assistance and wandered out into town.

As soon as she ventured into the busy city streets, she spied a familiar car parked just outside the prison. Sitting in the car was none other than her greatest rival, Queen O'Mean. Lillian Loud reasoned that she must be after the Keys of Cook herself. And unlike our noble hero, she wasn't going to share. She appeared to be talking to her lackey, known only as the Dirty Fixer. Lillian Loud snuck up to them and listened in on their conversation.

"Oh, no. You couldn't pay me to get the Keys of Cook," the Dirty Fixer complained. "Don't you know what's going on in that temple? I tried to get the Stick of Drum just today, and look what happened to me!"

"Oh, suck it up, you big baby," said Queen O'Mean. "We're not raiding the Cold Box. The Keys of Cook are on _top_ of the Cold Box."

That was the thing about Queen O'Mean. She often ran her mouth a little too much. And just like that, Lillian Loud knew where to go. Quietly, she slipped away. But soon, she heard a scream charging up the mountain that leads into town.

"Literally?! Dirty Fixer, why is your stupid turtle literally in the Cold Box?!"

Lillian Loud knew that voice. It was Baroness Lorelai, also known as the Queen of No. Though it didn't sound like she was after the Keys of Cook. If there was one thing Baroness Lorelai had that Queen O'Mean did not, it was willpower. She was usually more likely to wait for sundown when the Keys of Cook were given to all.

"Well, maybe _you_ shouldn't be stealing my Tots of Tater!" Dirty Fixer roared back.

Obviously, this argument had nothing to do with Lillian Loud, so she made her way down the mountain. At the foot of the mountain, she met her ally, Dr. Lisa.

"Greetings, Lillian Loud. I see you've escaped from prison," said Dr. Lisa. "Out on a new adventure?"

Of course, Dr. Lisa didn't say those words exactly. She had her own complicated language that Lillian Loud did not understand. But most of the time, Lillian Loud knew what she meant. Lillian Loud simply nodded.

"You wouldn't happen to be after the Loaf of Meat, would you?"

Lillian Loud started to get confused. Was Queen O'Mean really the only one who wanted the Keys of Cook? Lillian Loud answered the good doctor honestly.

"Ah, the Keys of Cook. You should be careful, Lillian Loud. You know what happens to those who take the Keys of Cook without permission from the Mama and Dada. I think it'd be better if you waited for after the Ner of Din ritual like everyone else." Dr. Lisa then smirked. "Though knowing you, you're not likely to listen to me."

Lillian Loud frowned. That wasn't fair for her to say. Lillian Loud didn't cause _that_ much trouble. Sure, she got thrown into prison pretty much every night, but that's because it was her bed. She gave Dr. Lisa a look.

"No need to get all pouty, sibling. I am merely stating the facts," said Dr. Lisa. "Well, best of luck to you either way."

With that, Dr. Lisa made her trek up the mountain. Lillian Loud sighed and shrugged before heading to the temple.

It was just as Queen O'Mean said. There were the Keys of Cook, sitting atop the Cold Box and hidden away in the corner. Lillian Loud checked to see if the coast was clear. She didn't see anyone. With a sigh of relief, she took a step into the temple.

"Hey, Lily."

Lillian Loud is caught completely off-guard by a mysterious yet familiar voice. It was Lucile, the Duchess of Darkness. She was accompanied by her own partner, LJ the Strong. So Queen O'Mean _wasn't_ the only one after the Keys of Cook. Lillian Loud reached for her trusty Poo-Poo Bomb.

"Um, guys? I think Lily needs to be changed," said Lucile.

Lillian Loud narrowed her eyes. Lucile and LJ just wanted her out of the way so they could get to the Keys of Cook first. She had to act fast. Quickly, she crawled towards the Sliding Stairs of Sharpness.

"Lily, no! You'll hurt yourself!"

Lillian Loud scoffed. Did LJ the Strong really believe her to be an idiot? She was the great adventurer Lillian Loud. She knew the risks, and she laughed at them. She climbed up the Sliding Stairs of Sharpness, making sure that they didn't open up on her.

"Baroness Lorelai! Lily's climbing on the kitchen counter!"

Oh no. LJ the Strong had summoned Baroness Lorelai. If she found out that Lillian Loud was after the Keys of Cook, she'd throw her back into prison. There was no time to lose.

Once she got her footing, she carefully made her way over to the Basin of Soap. Luckily, the basin was empty, so she had no need to swim across. She slid down into the basin and made her way to the other side. But when she got to the opposing wall, she found that it was too slippery to climb up! She was trapped! She had to get out before the dam opened up and filled the basin. Her mind working furiously, she scanned the room for anything she could use.

There was a small soft raft docked in a cage, but it was on the wrong side of the basin. If she could move the cage to the other side, she could use it as a foothold to climb out! Lillian Loud praised herself for her quick thinking.

She deftly plucked the cage from the basin wall and crawled over to the other side. She stuck the cage to the other wall and pushed down to test it. To her delight, the cage held! Triumphant, she climbed out of the Basin of Soap.

Now the Keys of Cook were just out of her reach. How to climb the Cold Box? Lillian Loud looked up to see several doors similar to the Sliding Stairs of Sharpness. They were also too high up. There had to be another way around.

She then remembered the wisdom of LJ the Strong: "The key to parkour is momentum." Roughly translated, that meant she could climb up the wall if she built up enough speed! It was worth a try.

Lillian Loud reared back and looked to the side. Strangely enough, Baroness Lorelai had not answered LJ's call. Perhaps she was still dealing with the Dirty Fixer's turtle. Deciding not to dwell on it, Lillian Loud charged for the Cold Box as fast as she could. She leapt up towards the Cold Box and grabbed the ledge that opened it. Not what she was going for, but hey! Success!

Just then, the Cold Box opened on its own. Luckily, Lillian Loud was on the other side, shielded from the blast of freezing air. She struggled to climb up the ledge and over the door. She made it this far, and she wasn't going to give up now. The Keys of Cook were as good as hers.

But just when her foot touched the inside of the Cold Box, she heard a strange noise.

"WARNING! DNA NOT RECOGNIZED AS LISA LOUD! ACTIVATING RADIOACTIVE BARRIER!"

Lillian Loud had no idea what that meant, but she knew she wasn't getting the Keys of Cook this time. She sighed, uttering one last phrase before her journey's end:

"Dannit, Wisa."


End file.
